I've watched this week turn into a roaring hell for many people other than myself. It seems like no matter what the source of the pain is, whether grossly self-inflicted as myself or from a place beyond what our own hands can stop, several of us have come to an ultimate "What now?"

Beyond any books I've read or education I've attempted to internalize, I'm really just an ordinary boy with dreams  and lots of really, really rough edges. My thoughts aren't from a place of perfection or mastery but a place that's far from any of that. Take this and anything else of what I have to say with a grain of salt because I'm no Nobel peace prize winner or have a doctorate in research. So, what now?

For the self-inflicted
As I've struggled to stay afloat from jumping in and nearly drowning in my own mistakes (and let's make that clear, I'm and idiot, not a victim), I've noticed that the pool that I've jumped into is the pool of shame.

I believe that shame--the fear of not being worthy of loving connection--is at the heart of all sin and where Satan and all darkness lives. It plays the tape of "I'm not ______ enough." in our heads that leads us to anger, sadness, greed, lust, and probably the worst of all, dishonesty. When we listen to shame, we try to prove it wrong even though there is nothing to be proven.

When we try to prove our worth to shame, we lash out in anger or rebellion at someone to prove we are powerful enough; we greedily overcompensate, in even good things, to prove that we are worth enough; we indulge in immoral behavior to prove that we are appealing enough; and we dishonestly manipulate, control, predict, and perfect to prove that we are good enough.

If you're here with me now, hurting from the exhaustion and loss from doing these things--take my hand.

No matter what you've done and where you are now, you are not a problem. You are not defined by situations. And you are not at the end. Your worth is unchanging, eternal, and holds more beauty than you can comprehend. There are no words that can undo the past or take away pain or loss. I'm not going to pretend that any words I have can have such magical effects.

Know that running from vulnerability and giving into the lies of shame means believing in promises that won't ever be fulfilled. Compromising your character to try to prove in harmful ways that you are enough to someone, so that you can somehow then be worthy of their love and connection, will only do the opposite.

It is horrifying to have courage to let yourself be vulnerably seen and do what is right. Yet if we do and believe that we are enough, it is inevitable that we will eventually find connection, love, and acceptance. I know that that is true.

For the innocent and betrayed
My heart goes out to you. I wish that you didn't have to feel pain that you don't deserve.

All experiences are different, and I can't equate mine or say that I know exactly what you're going through, but I can say that we can realize that there is always healing hope when we choose to be grateful and love. There is no reason to cut open emotional wounds to bleed any more than they already are yet I also don't want to minimize the seriousness or complexity of any situation or say that you shouldn't be sad or upset for things or those who have harmed you. My thoughts are only to say that in these times of excruciating pain, we can treat and heal these wounds by choosing love and gratitude daily. These things are sure.

I wish that we didn't have to go through sorrow to learn sometimes but the truth is that no matter how unfair the situation, the lessons that we can learn from experiencing such low moments are extremely beautiful and of immense and eternal worth. I would much rather live in a world where I was prone to pain and loss than be in a place without the color and excitement the love and joy bring.

So please smile, because heaven knows that the world can always use on more smiling face. The life of every single person is precious to God. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.

This time of the year is always the most difficult for me. I love change--don't get me wrong, but the process, the in-between of the old and the new that takes some stretching and adjusting, is never comfortable and almost always painful. The end of winter semester is always bittersweet. It's a relief but it's also very sad. It means lots of goodbyes, some for a really long time, and some for just long enough to hurt. And the sting about it, as with any other change, is that it all happens so fast.

Here's the thing about me that often complicates things if you don't already know. I'm an "all-in" person when it comes to relationships. I don't look at the love I have to give as an 8-piece pie, I don't believe that I only have so much to go around and I'll eventually run out of love to give people. I'm someone who believes that every friend you have can be your best friend and love as freely as I can. I ugly-cry when it's time to part and dread goodbyes more than any other possible human experience.

I came to a point this week where it hurt too much. It may seem bizarre, but Beyond Measure and my roommates are my two families away from home--they're my best friends. I spend anywhere between 10-20 hours a week with BYM and while I get that not everyone is close with their roommates, my roommates this semester have been the biggest blessing in my life through one of the most difficult times I've gone through. I looked forward to coming home every night to spend time with them because they were my best friends. The people around me are my life. Relationships are everything to me.

I got to that point that I always get to at goodbyes when I hate love. I hate caring. I hate friendships. I hate trying my best to be a good friend. I ask myself why I allow myself to be so invested in people and friendships when they inevitably make you hurt. Life would be much easier if I just had surface-level relationships with everyone around me that never got too emotionally involved either way--for the good or bad. Is it really worth it to love?

So what?

In Rising Strong by Brene Brown, Brene says that when we step into an arena of life, where we need to be vulnerable, the only guarantee that we have is that we will get hurt.

To love completely, you have to be vulnerable and risk everything. The caveat with love is that there will be a period of absence at some point--no matter what. Situations are always changing--people graduate, get new jobs, and sadly pass away. And then there are the more painful situations where people change or relationships you would like to be different, aren't mutually benefiting. Whatever it might be, when you love plan to be hurt.

Now what?

Here's the thing that I wish we could all understand--it is okay not to be okay. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being sad. There is nothing wrong with being depressed. There is nothing wrong with missing someone. There is nothing wrong with hurting.

I cringe when people give the whole you can choose to be happy thing because I disagree and academic research (See Authentic Happiness by Seligman) would support me. Happiness is not a switch you can flip. In fact, to always be happy would be completely contrary to the plan that God has created for us to be able to pass through sorrow to understand true joy. I think what people mean is that you can choose to be positive and make the situations you go through meaningful, fulfilling experiences. I think if we were to assess the lives of people that we thought were genuinely happy, we would find that their lives weren't 100% happy all the time but 100% meaningful and fulfilling.

That being said, while parting and going through changes in life will never be easy, I'm more than willing to go through those times of transition and pain to be able to hold on to the experiences that come with loving with your whole heart. It's scary and it's painful and there are no guarantees, but the moments that I have to cling to with the people that I love are irreplaceable.

And while that doesn't make me hurt or miss people any less, I have never regretted loving someone. In a world drowned in pain today, you truly can't say you love too much.

I can't believe it's been nearly two years since I've sat down at my computer to paint my feelings naked as letters on a screen for every person I know to see. A lot has changed but a lot hasn't.

I went through the most serious relationship I've ever been in for, essentially, 18+ months. My boys, best friends that were all just barely starting to date that I just mentioned in blog posts before are all now married and across the states. I competed at nationals for a cappella three times. I started my major. I went through a great internship with Seagate. I have a full-time job now at Qualtrics... life is very different now--at least when you put all those things in a frame and look at it that way.

I'm still an a cappella nerd that loves to sing. I'm still a skinny Asian kid that dreams of breaking 120 lbs someday. I still love people. I still love my family. I'm still trying to figure out how to love me.

I could walk you through the last 24 months of my life but the details are irrelevant and neither you nor I have the time to create that experience together anyway--so fast let's fast forward to now and press play.

If you've been in contact with me in the last month, you know that one thing has been consistent with me--I have been a catastrophe with a heartbeat.

One thing after the other, self-inflicted or not. One of those months where you tell yourself that there is no possible way things could get any more difficult... and then fate laughs and gets creative and your car all of a sudden explodes.

So I tried to find people to run to, only to realize that I'd just become one of the inconveniences in their life because they're too busy, too far away or too invested in something else. If I found someone, the moment I showed them my heart and they saw how broken and bruised it was, I became an inconvenience to them too and they broke it a little more and left anyway. I tried to put band-aids on to heal but what I really needed was stitches and time to make the wound close. Anything good I tried to do somehow turned into a disaster. The only good I feel I can do now is nothing.

Sounds pretty sad doesn't it?

So what?

When I went to the Philippines last year to visit my mission, I had the chance to go scuba diving for the first time at the beautiful islands around Palawan. On our first day, we stopped at a beach on a small island to set up lunch. Our boat was like one gigantic kayak with a motor, and like all small boats, rocked back and forth with the waves. To get off, there was a small ladder that reached from the edge of the boat to the shore--nothing crazy.

As I was stepping off, a few larger waves started coming in and rocking the boat back and forth causing me to lose my balance coming down the steps of the ladder. In attempt to steady myself, I grabbed on to the ledge of the boat to try to find balance again only to realize that the whole boat was rocking--not just the ladder. As you already have figured out, it didn't end well and I fell off the ladder, into the water like an idiot.

More often than not, I find that during hard times I cling to unstable things when what I need is stability or look for a cure when what I really need is healing. Whether that be turning to people who I don't have a good foundation of trust with yet for support or going through therapy to come out cured instead of realizing that healing is a process.

The root of disappointment is expectation.

We want to feel love from certain people which only hurts us when they don't feel that you're worthy of that love and time just yet.

We want to gain peace immediately which only discourages us when we forget that true peace from difficult battles takes a daily effort of emotional first-aid--like when treating an excruciating wound. (Click here for more on emotional hygiene)

We want to our lives to be perfect like everyone else's which only shatters us when we forget that we aren't problems that need fixing no matter how broken we may seem--our worth is precious and eternal. Being imperfect but doing the best to be our absolute best is just as good as, if not better, than whatever our vision of "perfect" is.

Now what?

Prepare to be ready when the storms do come and when they do, don't go outside in the storm to try to be God and control the weather--that would be completely idiotic and you would probably die. Stay in the place you have prepared and trust in the work you have put in to make that place a safe place. That doesn't mean the storm won't affect you or that it might tear down some things that you worked really hard to put up, but remember, storms end and there isn't anything that has ever been torn down that has been or could have been built back up better.

A therapist once told me that no pill or amount of therapy will ever be able to replace the power of a good, healthy and safe relationship where both people are lifted up by unconditional love. These relationships that we create and nourish are the safest place we can be and will bring us more joy, and there is a difference between happiness and joy, than anything else in life.

If you don't feel that you have any relationships like these, create them. Remember that you aren't alone, first and foremost, and that at the very least, you have company in people all around you that feel exactly the same way. Look for people who know what you can become and believe in you and your dreams. These are the relationships that you can cling to and will be a shelter to you in times of need. These are the people who will never give up on you no matter what. Just remember that building strong relationships also takes time and effort and don't expect it to be immediate.

Photography by Alex Angus

Finally, the best thing any of us can do is build a strong, compassionate relationship with ourselves. That doesn't mean sit down and just love ourselves in the mirror and get lost in our own beauty. That also doesn't mean we should ever be complacent with our progress. It just means that we acknowledge and accept that we're in the middle of a race to be become something. Yes we will fall and people will point and laugh but just because we fall doesn't mean we still can't win. It just means that crossing the finish line is going to be that much better.

To the few friends that have helped me through this year so far that have taken bullets for and bullets from me, thank you. I wouldn't have been able to make it through without you.

Until next time friends. Follow no crowd.

Thanks to everyone for your overwhelming kind comments and thoughts about my last blog. I don't think I've ever had that much feedback on a blog I've posted before--I loved it. Everyone's encouragement and positivity really kept me going through the past few days which have been really challenging. Needless to say, life's been different. But mostly because of a fairly recent plot twist--

All of the guys are dating someone except me.

That probably sounds dumb, and please don't mistake the genuine happiness I have for each of them, but to anyone who has had a best friend who has recently started dating someone, you know the struggle is real.

A lot of people have been commenting on how hard I've taken the elections the past week, but here's what you don't see. I had finally found my group of friends where I was a part of something--yeah, I know a lot of people, but to belong is something different.

Logan, Taylor, Scott, Paulo and I--I mean our friendships were at the heart of that campaign and I owe the campaign those friendships. I'm not going to write another blog about the four of those guys--don't worry--things are just different now. We don't have an excuse to spend time with each other anymore without the campaign, and me being the only single of the five literally leaves me odd man out.

So where does that leave me? It leaves me back at square one. Rug pulled out form underneath my feet. Weekends without friends to spend them with (ask me what I did last Friday)(I take that back I hungout with Paulo on Friday). And lots of plan-less loneliness, single days in between.

I have trouble letting go of good things and memories. Growing up, I was the kid in the family who was always in tears every time we would have to go home after visiting my grandparents and cousins in California in Hawaii. During my mission, I cried for days every time I got transferred and especially when I left the Philippines. I miss a lot of things and spend most of the time I have thinking about memories I wish I could relive and have back.

I feel like this transition has been hard for me because things were so good. The memories I have made with these guys and new friends I've made in the past semester I priceless. The Sunday dinners, endless meetings, parties, not to mention even just good old office hours at BYUSA--none of it is the same or will ever be the same anymore. I miss it already. Adjusting is never comfortable.

So what?
Ever since we went to compete at the first round of the ICCAs at UC Berkeley and saw the UCLA Scattertones perform Stop This Train by John Mayer, I've been listening to the song nonstop on my phone.

The song talks about life and compares it to a train ride. It talks about how life moves by so fast--so fast that most times we don't get to enjoy the moments we want to last and sometimes just want to stop the train of life completely and just go back to the good times and memories that we've experienced.

The song, however, ends with reassurance. The person who the song is about (John Mayer) says that he talks to his dad who tells him to not think for a minute that he isn't where he needs to be right now and that he has so many more greater experiences ahead of him. He figures out that he needs to realize this because in all reality, there is no stopping this train.

I know people tell me that all the time (the whole "life gets better" thing), but when I've really stopped to think about that and how my life has unfolded, it's really true.

Looking back, although my trials have become increasingly more challenging, the things I've accomplished,  blessings I've received,  and people that I've met have only gotten better and better as I've gotten older. I somehow find myself doing harder things, receiving more promising things, and meeting better friends while all along the way thinking that life wouldn't, and more importantly, couldn't get any better. I find that when I focus so much on the past and cling to memories or sometimes even regrets, I literally walk around life blind.



Now what?
Two weeks ago in our last leadership class for BYUSA we talked about time management and set some goals. My goal was something that we talked about in that class and was about this very thing--my goal was to live where I am and be there 100%.

Life is already so full of distractions that take us away from the present, there's no need to continue to make up our own. I've learned that I need to be where I am. Literally look forward. Quit waiting for things to happen and do them. Engage and make the best of every moment. And realize that the "good old days" are happening now--if all I do is think about the past, I'll just let them go by and miss them.

And while this doesn't make lonely weekends or weekdays any easier, it's always good to know and hope for good things to come. This year has been great and I've made some really great friends that I don't intend on losing or replacing, and something I've realized, is that I don't have to. Life will keep going, whether we do or not. So hang on and cling tight and never cry because things are over--instead learn to just smile because they've happened.