I can't believe it's been nearly two years since I've sat down at my computer to paint my feelings naked as letters on a screen for every person I know to see. A lot has changed but a lot hasn't.
I went through the most serious relationship I've ever been in for, essentially, 18+ months. My boys, best friends that were all just barely starting to date that I just mentioned in blog posts before are all now married and across the states. I competed at nationals for a cappella three times. I started my major. I went through a great internship with Seagate. I have a full-time job now at Qualtrics... life is very different now--at least when you put all those things in a frame and look at it that way.
I'm still an a cappella nerd that loves to sing. I'm still a skinny Asian kid that dreams of breaking 120 lbs someday. I still love people. I still love my family. I'm still trying to figure out how to love me.
I could walk you through the last 24 months of my life but the details are irrelevant and neither you nor I have the time to create that experience together anyway--so fast let's fast forward to now and press play.
If you've been in contact with me in the last month, you know that one thing has been consistent with me--I have been a catastrophe with a heartbeat.
One thing after the other, self-inflicted or not. One of those months where you tell yourself that there is no possible way things could get any more difficult... and then fate laughs and gets creative and your car all of a sudden explodes.
So I tried to find people to run to, only to realize that I'd just become one of the inconveniences in their life because they're too busy, too far away or too invested in something else. If I found someone, the moment I showed them my heart and they saw how broken and bruised it was, I became an inconvenience to them too and they broke it a little more and left anyway. I tried to put band-aids on to heal but what I really needed was stitches and time to make the wound close. Anything good I tried to do somehow turned into a disaster. The only good I feel I can do now is nothing.
Sounds pretty sad doesn't it?
So what?
When I went to the Philippines last year to visit my mission, I had the chance to go scuba diving for the first time at the beautiful islands around Palawan. On our first day, we stopped at a beach on a small island to set up lunch. Our boat was like one gigantic kayak with a motor, and like all small boats, rocked back and forth with the waves. To get off, there was a small ladder that reached from the edge of the boat to the shore--nothing crazy.
As I was stepping off, a few larger waves started coming in and rocking the boat back and forth causing me to lose my balance coming down the steps of the ladder. In attempt to steady myself, I grabbed on to the ledge of the boat to try to find balance again only to realize that the whole boat was rocking--not just the ladder. As you already have figured out, it didn't end well and I fell off the ladder, into the water like an idiot.
More often than not, I find that during hard times I cling to unstable things when what I need is stability or look for a cure when what I really need is healing. Whether that be turning to people who I don't have a good foundation of trust with yet for support or going through therapy to come out cured instead of realizing that healing is a process.
The root of disappointment is expectation.
We want to feel love from certain people which only hurts us when they don't feel that you're worthy of that love and time just yet.
We want to gain peace immediately which only discourages us when we forget that true peace from difficult battles takes a daily effort of emotional first-aid--like when treating an excruciating wound. (Click here for more on emotional hygiene)
We want to our lives to be perfect like everyone else's which only shatters us when we forget that we aren't problems that need fixing no matter how broken we may seem--our worth is precious and eternal. Being imperfect but doing the best to be our absolute best is just as good as, if not better, than whatever our vision of "perfect" is.
Now what?
Prepare to be ready when the storms do come and when they do, don't go outside in the storm to try to be God and control the weather--that would be completely idiotic and you would probably die. Stay in the place you have prepared and trust in the work you have put in to make that place a safe place. That doesn't mean the storm won't affect you or that it might tear down some things that you worked really hard to put up, but remember, storms end and there isn't anything that has ever been torn down that has been or could have been built back up better.
A therapist once told me that no pill or amount of therapy will ever be able to replace the power of a good, healthy and safe relationship where both people are lifted up by unconditional love. These relationships that we create and nourish are the safest place we can be and will bring us more joy, and there is a difference between happiness and joy, than anything else in life.
If you don't feel that you have any relationships like these, create them. Remember that you aren't alone, first and foremost, and that at the very least, you have company in people all around you that feel exactly the same way. Look for people who know what you can become and believe in you and your dreams. These are the relationships that you can cling to and will be a shelter to you in times of need. These are the people who will never give up on you no matter what. Just remember that building strong relationships also takes time and effort and don't expect it to be immediate.
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| Photography by Alex Angus |
Finally, the best thing any of us can do is build a strong, compassionate relationship with ourselves. That doesn't mean sit down and just love ourselves in the mirror and get lost in our own beauty. That also doesn't mean we should ever be complacent with our progress. It just means that we acknowledge and accept that we're in the middle of a race to be become something. Yes we will fall and people will point and laugh but just because we fall doesn't mean we still can't win. It just means that crossing the finish line is going to be that much better.
To the few friends that have helped me through this year so far that have taken bullets for and bullets from me, thank you. I wouldn't have been able to make it through without you.
Until next time friends. Follow no crowd.
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