Erika and I took a trip to Hawaii yesterday.

Or well, our minds did anyway.

Yesterday was the He Huaka'i Aloha Luau. It had been awhile since I had been to a luau so I thought it'd be a great excuse to spend time with Erika. It was definitely a needed experience. We both got to wind down, relax, and meet new people. I was pretty much dying right before because something bloomed in Provo that just was not poppin' with my senses.

So I went to Hinckley, a little late of course, and waited for Erika to come down. Finally I called her to say I was there and lone behold, miscommunication led us to two different meeting places haha. She was already there! So I headed over to the Wilk to meet her. Dinner was great. I wasn't too fond of the food but it really wasn't that bad I guess. The entertainment was great. It was just so nice to see hula dancers and kind of forget about the world for a little. Hearing the music and seeing the smiling faces coupled with great company was just such a nice get away from life... for a few hours anyway.

The show was next and boy was it a treat. The had dancers from all islands of Polynesia there and went in order of when missionary work started in each island; a really cool twist on it. The show was appropriately titled "A Journey of Love and Sacrifice." The setup and the turnout was just absolutely amazing. There were many talented people and many people who put a lot of time and effort into it. It was definitely worth the money and the wait. Even if it didn't turn out, time spent with Erika is never wasted through her assurance. 

Well it's late--bed time.

My head has been everywhere lately.

Middle school.


High school.


College.


How did I get here so fast?

You see Monday, I planned out my whole week and I successfully got none of it done yesterday. I woke up a couple hours too late courtesy of me going to sleep late the night before and it set off my whole day. Forum was great yesterday though. The Captain from Apollo 13 told us his story about everything that went on in his experience. He was a funny guy and did a great job telling his part.

I met up with Brody yesterday after forum. Brody was one of my first missionaries that I had (I went through easily 20 in the two years that I took the lessons) and definitely--coupled with his companion Ky (Elder Bullock) of course--was the greatest of all the missionaries that I had. It was great to catch up with him and I've missed him a lot. I wish we could've spent more time together this year but he was definitely a lot busier than me. He's been such a great example in my life though, not the only of course, but definitely a significant one.

Later on I got a haircut, that always seems to be a mistake.

That night I had planned to do massive amounts of homework. Did I get any of it done? Of course not.

I spent the night reminiscing of high school instead. After dinner I walked into Brigham's room just because his door was open and saw this bulletin board collage of what looked like high school marching band. Looking a little closer I saw a bonding point: Brigham was a drum major and in fact so was his roommate. Sad enough, when I think of high school, the absolute first thing that comes to my mind was being drum major of the marching band. We both digressed and became total band nerds again talking about competitions and the days of leading our perspective bands. This picture was of some of the seniors at our last band banquet. I realized how much I really miss it and of course how much I still do love music. I am fortunate to be in the band program up here and it is really possible that I will become a music major of some sort in the future... but that's tomorrow's problem. We talked for hours and then after I called my band director from high school (she's young and we're tight like that) and told her about my night. She of course continued for me to change my major and I gave her a firm "I'm still not sure" as I have been the past year. Talking to her made me even miss high school more but you know what, it's over and done. It was fun while it lasted.

This morning my iPod flipped on to "Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot. My mind rewound itself back to just over five years ago. My eighth grade year my friends and I lost one of our really close friends to a a freak avalanche a random weekend in January when he went snowboarding. It was probably the most tragic thing that any of us had experienced at that age. I still think about him a lot to this day but it really just made me realize how thankful I should be to be here if anywhere today. Although life is hard, I shouldn't take for granted that I am around for that matter. It also made me think about the people I care about in life and how really, it's not guaranteed that they will be there tomorrow. Nothing is permanent, but I guess we've all learned that by now.

An abrupt ending but I'm about to be late to class once again so I should probably go now.

Back to Provo, an inevitable fate.

Don't give your stuff to me, I'll lose it.

Goodness I realized this morning that I somehow lost my iPod aka my life. How does this happen? It's permanently attached to my ears/hand. I hope it turns up soon, I feel so naked. Some odd weeks ago I lost my wallet but eventually found that. I frequently lose my mind but that's aside the point.

Yesterday was composed of decent weather, missed classes, the MOA Cafe, laundry, catching up with old friends, getting ready for Lake Havasu, Jaten, Jamba, Erika, and As You Like It.

I met Jaten last week at a social gathering on Friday night. It's nice to have him around because I feel like he legitimately understands the situation I'm in aka my life because we come from very similar places. We went and bonded over Jamba (because apparently he just doesn't get hungry) and then hungout before seeing As You Like It at the theater. It was quite the experience, I've never had anybody push me so much to get my mission underway.

As you like it was definitely not as I like it. I don't mean to offend anyone in the theater program but it was a very strange spin on the Shakespeare comedy that I wasn't very fond of. I did enjoy the music but definitely not the fake fighting or strange costumes. I still am also confused where the helicopter fit in to the whole story as well. The acting was great with the exception of one or two. I all in all was expecting more, but I guess BYU isn't exactly known for its theater department either.

Erika was able to make it to the show and I think she was just as puzzled about the helicopter as I was. It's always so nice to see her; there's just something about her that always makes me happy inside and makes all my problems seem to find their way out of my mind.  She's truly an amazing girl and I am so lucky to have her around. I was so happy when she said she'd come; I actually am not a fan of Shakespeare really but knew she was and found it a great excuse for us to spend the night together, what a deal.

Afterwards we walked Erika home after her and Jaten actually realized that they knew so many common people. Then Jaten and I went to visit some of his old mission friends, we talked, and the separated.

Highlight of the day: seeing two great people that I've wanted to see for awhile.
Quote of the day: From As You Like It

"Can you have too much of a good thing?"

Provo is currently experiencing a scorching 52 degrees and the grass, I'm sure, is aware. I walked through Helaman yesterday and thought I was at the beach. People laying out on blankets tanning and playing frisbee... its just been winter for far too long. Feeling 88 degrees in Arizona this weekend is just going to be unbelievable.

Now that its finally getting warm again though, its pretty hard to believe that freshman year here at BYU has come to a close... well for most anyway. I'll be here for one more semester so I can actually experience the warmth here in Provo. It's been a good year, but its not time to recap just yet.

I was able to catch up with a few good friends yesterday which was quite the pleasure. But lets rewind a little further first.

Courtney aka "Court"
On Monday I noticed that Courtney was online and thought it would be great to catch up with her. Courtney was my historian last year that was nothing short of a miracle on the creativity scale. My council was pretty much a genius work of complimentary qualities last year, me being the exception. While Courtney had the ideas, Emily had the work ethic and was great with keeping track of our money and leveling out the council during heated discussion, Marie was always there for support and was the heart of the council--she was basically my wing-woman, and of course my VP Crew how could we forget, our handyman not afraid to put out blunt ideas and add for comedic relief. Where did I fit in? I honestly didn't have much to offer, I had the big picture ideas and they filled in the blanks. It was always so funny whenever we'd have to make decisions on big things. I knew what I wanted always. First I'd always ask what everyone else wanted to do and it was always a unanimous, "It's whatever you want to do!" Until... I brought up my ideas. For example:

Eric: Guys what color do you guys want to wear for our group picture.

Crew: I don't care.

Courtney: Doesn't matter to me.

Marie: Whatever you want to wear.

Emily: I'm fine with whatever.

Eric: Okay, let's all wear white?

Courtney: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. Let's pick another color.

Crew: I don't own white. (Eric: Yeah you do.)

Marie: Yeah I'm not really a fan of white.

Emily: Well yeah I don't like white either...

Courtney: How about black?

Unanimous: YES!

Oh how I miss that. Anyway back to Court. See I'm lazy when it comes to names so usually if a person's name is longer than one syllable, I shorten it. But that's neither here nor there. Court is one of those girls that through thick and thin, will always be there. I needed to make a Walmart run that night and she was more than willing to arrange. That meant a lot to me. We talked about high school and how different our lives our now... also her strange UVU singles ward even though she's at BYU haha. She's always great to talk to because she always agrees and knows exactly what you're thinking. I'm sad I've only seen her twice the whole year but I'm glad she's doing well.

Heather
Got a text the other night asking if I was busy Tuesday from this lovely lady. Even if I did have plans, I would've cancelled to spend the night with her but I didn't so it was convenient. She wanted to go see the BYU Philharmonic and knew I'd love it being musical and all. Truly, I'm not a fan of orchestra music but the caliber that the phil plays at is just so amazing that I was down to go anyway.

I met Heather the second night here at BYU in Taylor lobby. Some girls were just playing a random game with Uno cards where you hit yourself and me being across the room acknowledging her beauty, thought I'd go storm in and introduce myself. Ever since  we've always made it an effort to go on runs together, go to concerts together, go on dates together, and go to meals together. She's been one of those friends that I don't see often but everytime I do, it's great.

The concert was amazing. It was a night of concertos (soloist accompanied by orchestra) and these performers were just top of the line, amazing. I was just jawdropped throughout most of the concert, especially with the pianists. We were able to catch up a little and just spend time with eachother and the best part is, I didn't even have to ask.

Ned 
Oh Ned. Ned and I had dinner together yesterday. He's really one of a kind. You really just have to know him. He's just Ned, enough said.

Anyway, tonight I'm going to see As You Like It a Shakespearean comedy here on campus with Erika and this guy I met on pure night named Jaten. I'm not really a Shakespeare person but it was a good excuse to catch up with some good friends. I'm pretty excited, it should be a good. I'm catching up with Josh later today too which will be great to go back to my old hall for a little. I also was able to talk to Sean for a bit last night to get some positive reinforcement on my life... where would we be without Sean? Sometimes you just need a person to tell you how it is the way he does, give you solutions to problems, and remind you that they love you.

All in all
Good day planned ahead, good day in store, make it a great day or not, the choice is yours.

Sometimes all you need is to have a walk with one of your best friends and somehow all your pains and sorrows go away.

Sitting in philosophy right now... I am obviously extremely intrigued by the subject that we're discussion. Topic of the day: can we prove that God exists? My opinion: I know He exists, if you don't, that's your issue.

Erika and I failed this weekend. Hopefully not this week though

As the days pass by I'm starting to see the reasons why I've literally been to hell and back that past two weeks; opening my eyes it all really makes sense. This needed to happen.

Not having those people around, was very lonely at first. I was lost and really depressed. I felt like I had lost my family. I've tried my best to make it up to them and that's the best I can do. They kicked me to the curb and as much as I come running back, I don't know if they ever will take me back. I don't blame them though, I did it to myself. So instead of looking at this as a never ending struggle, I've decided that it's time to look at things as an opportunity.

Maybe we weren't meant to be friends forever, and if they really were my friends, things would eventually blow over and they would accept me again. But I guess things don't always work out how we want them to.

Basically, I'm done with missing and being sad. It's time to move on. They're not the only friends I have. I have my hall, my ward, my old hall, my old ward, and all the random people I've met in between. Getting back in touch with all these people this weekend really made me realize how much I actually miss these people and don't really understand why I've been shutting them out of my life this whole time.  

Spending all my time every day with these people that I had been made me realize that I had been ignoring other friends, ignoring myself, and ignoring greater opportunities. Since I've had so much time being away from them I've even had more opportunities to volunteer and help others which I wouldn't have had if I were still spending every waking hour of the day with them. It's all starting to make sense.

On Saturday, I ran the "Rex Lee Run for a Cure" and did the 5K race. It was a little rough but I was happy to do it for a good cause. During the race I saw a girl with a shirt on that really attracted my eye. The back of it read:

Tough times don't last. Tough people do.

How a special Someone can just slap us in the face when we need it the most. I get it now. As Mr. Hagood would say "...moving right along."

It's funny how you begin to recognize things you've been missing in your life when circumstances change. I guess for the better and the worst.

Granted, I would give anything to have my friends back. I've been learning lessons left and right that I would have never learned had this falling out never happened.

I just got done talking to the lovely Ms. Nash who I have barely seen this semester. I mentioned her in a previous blog how we met during the first family home evening night in our old ward. I'll never forget the girl sitting in front of me who I had to nearly tackle to get to talk to the next person because she literally wanted to have a deep and meaningful conversation with every person on the other side of the table. Oh where would I be without her today?

I spent the last hour with her talking in the library (yes a big no-no) and have not felt so happy in a long time. There actually are people who you touch out there and will always be there for you thick or thin. I'm excited to start spending the last few weeks of the semester with her because no one can make me smile the way she does. I mean honestly who could forget [Erika Nash]?


As for the current sitch, nothing has changed. Maybe time will heal, maybe it won't. I guess it's out of my hands now though. You can only say sorry so much. Regardless, I will still always love them and never forget them.

Were you around for the "Xanga" face or was just that just a Vegas thing? Before myspace and facebook? Anyhow, it's been fun getting back into blogging for whatever its worth anyway.

A somewhat successful day as far as accomplishing school work goes. Definitely another failure in attempts to patch up relationships though.

I made it to practice this morning somewhat on time for the first time since last Thursday. I'm on the triathlon team at BYU and boy is it an experience. What's that you say? You didn't know BYU had a triathlon team? Neither did I, they found me. Anyhow, practice was easy. Requirement of practice for the day, check.

May was the cashier at breakfast today. I wrote her a thank you card some odd weeks ago for always seeming to make my day. You can tell she's tired every morning, but she still puts on her best smile and her words never lack sincerity. She helped me start my day off right, even if I was on my way to being late for my 9 o'clock as usual. Requirement of breakfast for the day, check.

PDBIO120 - thanks again for reminding me how stupid I am. Requirement of feeling dumb for the day, check.

Philosophy was interesting today. We talked about epistemology and a point of view that all knowledge must be "a priori" or else it can't be knowledge. A had class with friend A today who pulled a seat up right next to me. I guess its progress, but who's to say. I feel like I'm taking steps backwards in fixing things but I guess no one can exactly force forgiveness. I just wish I wasn't an idiot to begin with. Requirement for feeling regret for the day, check.

If you haven't had a class with Brother Bott, you need to. He's ranked number one on ratemyprofessor.com for a reason. His class was amazing today as usual. I went and talked to him after like I usually do; he's been giving me advice for the whole situation. He told me to quit reading into mind games and just take things at face value, good call. Requirement for being enlightened for the day, check.

The rest of the day I just spent finishing my talk for Sunday and doing math homework. Weather was unusually cold today, but I guess I should be used to the whole wind-chill factor from living in Vegas. At our triteam meeting I won free "body glide" during the raffle which was... quite the treat I guess. We have our first meet at Lake Havasu next week and I'm really excited. It'll be an experience for sure. Requirement for getting something free for the day, check.

After that anyway I came back to my room and laid in my undersized bed. Thoughts getting the best of me as they have been. It's just rough when you've lost every ounce of friendship and you have no family to run to. A big part of me just wants to run away from BYU and leave them be. I've really never been so hurt in my life. But amidst all the gloom and asking for help from a couple good friends, I've found that that crazy girl I met at the first night of FHE last semester speed dating who almost has my name and my long lost Sunday school teacher from last semester who had an obsession for issuing challenges are at the least, still there to lend at hand to me.

Quote of the day: "You're always loved by at least three." [Requirement for writing down a good quote for the day, check.]

Even if times are rough, I can still feel that Someone is sure looking out for me still. Requirement for being loved for the day, check.

As of now, I should probably get some sleep. My roommate needs to get some too, although he's probably still going to stay up for four more hours doing homework. He's a good kid though, and I'm glad we get a long. I'm not easy to live with, that's for darn sure. So hopefully tomorrow will be better. As long as I expect the worst but hope for the best it should be right?

Requirement for keeping track of myself for the day, check.

P.S. - Thanks Sean. I don't think you can comprehend how much you did for me tonight.

I guess it just is. I'm far from perfect; human nonetheless. I just wish that sometimes life could be easy and that when I do mess up, I could just wave a magic wand and make things all better. But I guess it's like my best friend Mat always said,

Nothing that's easy is ever worth it.

Status of my life right now: perilous.

Blessed am I among bad luck, but at the same time, blessed am I among great blessings.

Have you ever non-intentionally hurt someone? Whether it be something you said or did? And although you weren't exactly in the right, you just wish everyone could understand that you really meant no harm? I guess that's my current issue.

The story isn't needed to be posted but here's your lesson for today:

If friend A is starting to bug you. Tell them.
Don't shrug it off and "let it go," because you won't.
Conversely,  don't go and tell B what's frustrating you about friend A, or friend C or D for that matter.
Because what goes around, comes around... whether your like it or not.
Simply - you're never in the right to speak ill of anyone. Period.

There's a possibility that you could lose everything. Do you want that? I didn't think so.

So I guess you know where I'm coming from now. Frustrated minds speak frustrated words that sometimes lack truth. Yet frustration is never a reason for justification.

Remedy for the problem: Carrie Underwood

What you got if you ain't got love? The kind that you just want to give away? It's okay to open up, go ahead and let the light shine through. I know it's hard on a rainy day, you want to shut the world out and just be left alone, but don't run out on your faith

Because sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. What you've been out there searching for forever is in your hand. When you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else... seem so small.

So for me now I guess, a little bit of faith and trust and I guess sometime this will all blow over. I could apologize a thousand times but nothing will quite heal until people begin to forgive. I hope this all solves itself, because I miss my friends family.