Today I walked a little faster than I had the past week and by a little, I mean a little.
I'm terrible when it comes to lots of bad things happening at one time. That was this past week - I mean you can only trip so many times in a row before you actually fall. Perhaps I'm not strong enough to stay on my feet after so many struggles, but more times often than not, I'm convinced I just let myself fall to the ground.
Opening up is also something really hard for me to do. Although I trust quickly and I do want to tell people about my life and ask for help, I've had so many bad experiences in the past that handcuff me from be able to do so. I'm slow and reluctant to share details or specifics because I've had so many run off, sometimes to church leaders, and try to fix things - only to make things more difficult and painful. If you've ever had a heart to heart with me, you've probably noticed that I sit in silence for about 80% of the time and think about what to carefully say and then talk for the remaining 20%.On top of that, when I'm in a dark place, I find that most times I like to stay there. Why? I really couldn't tell you. And it's horrible because although I'll seek advice and counsel, I won't take it. No, I'm not chronically depressed. I could probably count the number of bad weeks I have a year on one hand - you could probably count them by the number of times I blog.
So what?
While I was in the Philippines on my mission, I remember seeing a shirt that I will never forget. The front had a saying that went a little something like this:
Begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin and begin again.
Never give up.
I've thought about it a lot. And it really didn't make sense to me until I was talking to my friend Blake about cleaning a couple weeks ago. We talked about why on earth does it even make sense to clean up your apartment. I mean, when you live with three or, in my case, five other guys, it's just going to get dirty again. Right?
Blake talked about how you clean not to keep things clean, but to keep things from getting out of control. Things will get dirty again, that's inevitable. Even if you clean your apartment and abandon it, mother nature will certainly make sure it is not spotless when you return. You clean for temporary peace of mind, but almost more importantly - to prepare for it to get dirty again.
Life is pretty similar. You don't go through hard times to end hard times. As long as you are breathing, you better believe that those will come. You go through them to prepare for the increasingly harder times to come, you can't do that if you don't get back up though.
Not getting back up after tripping and falling is like leaving the dishes in the house to pile up. It just gets harder and harder to do as time goes on. Regardless, no matter how long you've been down, the opportunity is never taken away from you to begin again.
Now what?
I've had people tell me in the middle of trials the common, cliche, "It gets better." I've come to realize that really isn't true - to some extent anyway. It's true, but it's conditional.
Life doesn't just get better. Sometimes it does, sure, but sitting around and waiting for luck to arrive and change your life is not really something you can depend on like the sun. Life will really only be better if you make it better. I think more often than not we sit back and hope and dream and wish instead of making those things a reality. So you messed up a relationship with someone - fix it. So you broke a rule - own up to it. So your dreams aren't coming true - fight for them. No human being is in more control of your future than you.
So next time you're feeling down remember that you're not drowning in water so deep that you can't stand. Your problems will never be able to rob you of true happiness and peace.
You truly are capable of walking through hell with a smile. Just learn to begin again.
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