Sometimes you just have those days I guess. Where you can't get out of bed, nothing goes as planned, and even if its not true, it seems like everyone is out to get you. You expect too much and receive too less and life just feels like life (although it's not completely terrible) could definitely be better.
I don't know what it was about today, but it was definitely one of those days for me. School has picked up way too fast and is not stopping anytime soon; now I'm starting to feel all the pressure bog me down again. Get good grades, study hard, but wait... when do I get to have fun? It seems like never is the answer to that question yet I make time when it's most inconvenient. I have a huge psychology midterm tomorrow and what have I been doing? Absolutely nothing.
I just can't study when I know my friends are having fun. I need to learn to stop doing that because now looking at all the work I need to catch up on, I'm about ready to just start crying. That's at my own fault though. Today after dinner all we did was mess around and launch water balloons and bananas at people playing volleyball. Addison snuck out 14 bananas out of the Canc; I'm sure setting some sort of record. I guess that kind of mischief is just not my thing though. I never understood how doing stupid stuff that could hurt other people is fun, even if it is "harmless" fun. Like shooting bananas at the building that now someone has to clean up, I just don't get it and I feel horrible doing it. Sure let loose and be retarded, but I don't think my fun should be at someone else's expense.
Between that, basketball, and all the work I have to do today my stress level has nearly sky-rocketed. After we did all that stupid stuff we went and played basketball so Addison could help me with my lay ups for class. I've always wished I could play basketball. I never learned how when I was a kid because... well I don't know. I think part of it was me being scared of the ball and the other part just being the fact that I don't do well under team-sport pressure. I hated it in elementary school whenever we'd play basketball in P.E. or when my friends would invite me to come play. It was always just public humiliation to me that made me realize how un-talented I was (that along with football and any other sport that has to do with a ball). I just get so up tight, even if it was just with Addison and the roomslice. Addison is so talented and I just felt like a retard the whole time in all my uncoordinated-ness. I want to get it, I want to get better, but I just can't stand the humiliation. So I finally just gave up and went for a swim to remind myself that I am good at something.
I'm just pms'ing today I guess. Everyone's been ticking me off with the smallest things that I shouldn't be getting angry at. Like today when I got out of the pool expecting Addison and Chandler to still be there since we all drove together... and then they ended up not being there. It's such a small thing but it just felt like such a slap in the face to me today because I always wait for my friends. It's not a big deal, but it was a lot to think about just walking back by myself. I don't know.
Spring's just rough that way. With all the bridges I burned this past year I came out of fall and winter without a clique like everyone else. And now spring I feel like everyone is still in their cliques just temporarily stepping away for spring. Not to sound emo and retarded but it's just one of those nights that I just feel a bit on the lonely side. Everyone has their best friends and talks about how they have their best friends at home and their best friends here and I'm just left out in the dust because I'm an idiot that ruins the best relationships I have. I just want to fit in and I try way to hard.
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I definitely can relate with you man. I have been feeling much the same way at times here at BYU during Spring semester and I seem to have similar experiences when it comes to what you said about not being a part of any specific clique or having a group that I can undoubtedly call my "best" friends. And concerning those pranks, I used to do some of those stupid pranks that someone else has the trouble of having to clean up and it was never worth it, whether we caught or not. It's the smart and right decision to never get involved in that sort of thing. And as for basketball, take it one step at a time. If you have trouble handling the ball, you can develop your skills and build stronger nerves and muscle memory in you hands specific to the sport of basketball by practicing dribbling everyday or maybe just once or twice a week, whatever works for you. Or just dribble around in your room for five minutes now and then when you don’t have anything to do. I have a ball that you can use whenever you like, by the way. After a period of time, you will have much greater control of the ball and it will be second nature to you. The same is true for shooting, lay-ups, and passing. It takes finesse, but more than that it takes experience and proper practice. And far more important than both of those is never getting down on yourself. Don’t worry about being humiliated. Don’t worry about those fears that will naturally come to you. Don’t let the doubts that come to you get you down. Everyone can make marked improvements in anything they do. It takes more time for some than for others, but improvements will come in time if you practice and if you can bounce back from setbacks and down days. And if you don’t want to take the time to practice basketball specifically, there is nothing wrong with that. I know that I could never be the type of triathlete, swimmer, or distance runner that you are. I was horrible at cross country in high school. We have our own strengths and weaknesses, and it’s our choice whether to put more emphasis on expanding upon our strengths or focusing on improving ourselves in our areas of specific weakness. That is your judgment call, but either way, never let setbacks get you down and always believe in yourself.
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