I'll want to recap the rest of the weekend some other time.
Philosophical argument that I am free:
- I am free.
- Since I am free I cause actions.
We'll stop there. I cause actions, sometimes really good ones, sometimes really bad ones. I can be an idiot sometimes. This time I messed up... big time.
Have you ever tried to be so careful not to mess something up that you actually end up messing it up far more worse than you would have if you would've just handled everything normally? Does that even make sense? I worry. I worry too much. And that causes me to do stupid stuff; even if it means extreme things.
I'm an extremely honest person that doesn't like to disappoint people. But when I do decide that I need to lie about something, it all goes down hill and I get scared to admit to that one little lie because of my fear of breaking trust. So I continue to lie and I dig myself in a pit. I lie to get a way from a lie. It's not right. Don't ever do that. It hurts me and worries me, but worse, is it really hurts other people.
I don't really want to post public details because it's not necessary. But in a nutshell I had a friend who cared about me... a lot and was the best I ever had. They still are for that matter. And I got the attention, love, and caring that I had needed for a really long time from this person that I had never felt. It started out with a small idea, to grab more attention, that turned into a big problem. I lied myself into a big mess and now I have nothing. Rightly so, I deserve the consequences of my actions. Still, I want the best for them, and the best for them is for me to remove myself.
It hurts, a lot. But I'm learning and will not let this go in vain. I know that deep down, they still love me. And that our friendship will someday be where it was because friends don't just give up on friends. For now, I need to do what I do best; study.
The pain that will haunt me in years to come until we're friends again, will remind me of the outcomes of being dishonest. It would figure that the one time I choose to lie, I lose everything. But if there's anything that I've learned from that person, it's to continue and let go. The past is done and over and from previous trials I know that I can go through this one. I need to worry about me for once and fix these things that I have problems with. I need to want to be happy, all the time and learn to love myself and believe in myself. I need to focus on the future and not look to the past. Everyone has a past and everyone messes up, but it's the people who let that control them that let those experiences go without purpose. I'm a smart kid, I'd like to think. And I will learn; for the better of me and the better of them.
I've never hated myself so much but that hate motivates. I wish I could turn back time to a week ago before I made all these dumb mistakes but I guess that wouldn't really help me at all would it. My fiance wrote this song and she's pretty much expressed my feelings better than I could have. Scroll to the bottom of the page to listen to it.
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
I still will always love you, I hope one day I can make it up to you. I don't know what I was thinking. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.
If you wanna talk, I'm here. Way to be strong Eric. I think writing this will give strength to all who read it too.
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